Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Dear Dad: Thinking of You
Dear Dad,
I've been thinking about you lately. Sometimes - well maybe even most times - it's to try to wring some positivity out of my imagined version of you. I try to find a way to integrate your values and your ways into a positive message for me; I try to imagine some kind of encouragement that I never heard (or didn't hear right) from you.
I'm trying to be more...well, I don't know what - in my life. Responsible? Reasonable? Balanced? I don't think I'm being any of those things. I don't feel like I'm being very smart about anything that's going on right now. I did a shitty job at work and I'm chickening out again; hiding from my responsibilities. Exhibiting weakness and poor character, as far as I'm concerned. Letting fear cloud my life; letting emotion rule over logic.
I don't know how you dealt with emotion; I don't know where it lived for you, or what space it occupied, or how you thought about it. My life seems to be all about emotion (fear, chiefly), and it's kind of a lousy life. If I were better at being reasonable than being whipsawed by emotion, I might be in a better place.
I'm having a hard time writing this; my mind is scattering and I'm thinking about other things and getting lost. Thinking about emotion and my job and fear leads me down endless trails of useless thinking; then somewhere in there I leave the path and start off on something else without even realizing I've done it and lose track of time altogether.
It's a lovely day out; in the low 70s, a perfect fall day. It makes one long to have somewhere to go, but of course I don't. The only places I think of going are places to eat, and soon I'll loose what teeth I have left and have nowhere to go at all. God, that's depressing.
I wonder what your practical advice would be on dealing with my teeth would be. I know you had problems with yours. I suppose you learned to take care of yours later in life (I guess; I never really paid attention to how you cared for your teeth, but I know you told us - or my younger brother and sister - to take care of theirs) since you had lost a bunch; I never knew if you had problems with your bridge - or even how you lost your teeth, for that matter. I should ask my brothers and see if they know. I should also mail them the pictures that George Methy's wife or daughter sent. (Hm. That's something I can do in the near term.)(I wish I felt that way about work.)
See, I'm getting off topic again; getting distracted and forgetting this is supposed to be directed at you, like a letter.
I'd like it if you could lend me your strength and your assertiveness; I'd like to have the self-confidence that you did in order to do my job better. I don't know if I know myself like you do or if I have a faulty vision of myself. I'm never sure if I'm the fuck up I believe I am or if I tell myself that so that I can play into it.
==
So I just went out with my landlady for dinner. She bought me dinner, too, which I was a bit embarrassed by, but didn't fight. I'm okay being the charity case; when I have money I like to buy for others, but if others want to pay for me, I'm okay with that.
She's a nice lady with some crazy stories; I'd love it if you were here so I could tell them to you. Hm. It's weird to think of you being here now; I guess that means I've adjusted to your being gone. I'm sure that no one else has had a good time with it - not that I've had a good time, but it's probably been easier for me since I wasn't deeply connected to you like they were.
Anyway, I was telling you about tonight. We didn't go to a restaurant or anything; it was just Chik-fil-A; the total bill was fifteen something. I know it's not about the amount but the principle; I guess I'm trying to say I didn't accept a ton of gifts or anything.
I think she's lonely and her son rejects her a bit, so she appreciates having company, having someone to talk to. We went by the shoe store where another tenant works and invited her along so she came over a few minutes later when she had her break.
It was nice to sit and talk to them and listen to them talk; the only problem for me was that it was a little hard to hear and they both have accents - the other tenant's is pretty strong - so I didn't always feel like I was understanding.
The topic of religion came up, which I think you would have enjoyed. I wonder how you felt about evangelism; whether you thought it was essential to the faith (or the faithful). I think of you as anti-evangelism; you were more intellectual about your faith than..passionate, say.
In a way that goes back to the reason/emotion divide for me; although emotion hasn't helped me be faithful, either; it's the commitment thing; I simply refuse. Everything makes me a target, so I can't accept or claim anything; I am no one, I belong to no one. You cannot accuse me of anything because I believe in nothing.
I'm sure you would be disappointed. You were very committed; you lived your life by commitment. John made a point of mentioning it to me when I was writing the eulogy: "You could count on him. If he said he was going to show up, he showed up;" and that was very true. You could be relied on.
I don't know if I can be relied on. I don't know when I have come through for other people. I know that I didn't come through for Luz, in lots of ways. At first because I didn't know how (it just didn't occur to me); but later it was more about what was comfortable for me. I didn't want to put myself out there - and also I had that ridiculous fear about seeming to be in a relationship with her. [shaking my head] Stupid.
I wonder about the continuum of life and death; whether you are still essentially "you" or whether you are a part of some greater mass, some swirling essence of everyone that has gone before. As a human, it helps me to imagine you as "you," as the distinct person that you were when I knew you. I suppose that is our true "eternal" selves, in a way, the personality in other people's memories.
And how quickly it all fades. Your generation is now dying off (you and your brother went a bit early) and my generation produced few offspring, and even the second member of the third generation doesn't remember you; she was too young when you died.
I should go and interview your siblings about you, and about themselves. I should ask my two older uncles all kinds of questions about their lives and how they lived them. I did ask one uncle, and I had a long interview with him, but my other uncle would probably be good to talk to, too. I've never known him very well; he always seemed very stern and not very fun. I don't know if that's who he is or not.
This is a project that is natural for me and yet I forget or avoid. It's part of not acknowledging who I am. I really should try harder to do that (acknowledge who I am); it might be helpful. It might lead to a better life. "You like to ask questions," I say to myself, "so ask questions. Be the one who asks questions. It's all right. People want to tell their story, and other people want to hear it."
Can you help me to try not to forget that? Thanks, Dad.
Love,
Michael
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Dear Dad: Working On It
Dear Dad,
Recently, a friend and I have been talking about our emotional problems and now we deal or don't deal with them. She has been going to a therapist recently, and her therapist wrote a book with all of her practical techniques in it, which she gave to me.
The book has been helpful already, in that it got me through some emotional crises I was having (although the cause for those crises hasn't gone away, so I don't know if they'll recur or not). Unfortunately, I haven't followed up on that first step that got me out of crisis mode to help me get out of other stuck modes that don't feel as pressing or immediate.
Yesterday is a good example. I should have left the house yesterday; done something productive with my time. I didn't. I watched TV and then went to sleep on the couch in the afternoon. When I woke up in the dark, I just made myself go back to sleep rather than getting up. In all, I slept close to 16 hours.
The problem for me is that practical advice in my head is tied to your voice, which is an unfriendly voice for me. Because I never felt supported by you, I have a hard time doing things that are good for me if I associate them with you. I associate you with criticism of me. I always thought of us as oppositional and so whatever I did was wrong in your world.
I need to find a way to either tap into a supportive idea of you or find some other way to hear practical advice in my own head.
In terms if tapping into a supportive idea of you, in a conversation I was having with someone recently about you, I realized that most of my idea and experience of you was a projection. I never felt supported by you, but I never really asked for your advice. I never sought your counsel because I couldn't imagine I could live up to it. I thought I was destined to fail from the outset. That way of thinking inhibits my actions now and inhibited my ability to reach out to you. Thinking of myself as a failed adult or an incomplete adult made it impossible to imagine succeeding at any kind of "adult" task or responsibility. I don't know where I am on that thinking.
One of the things that I used in the book was to have a conversation with a person as if they were sitting in front of you. I pictured you in a chair at the end of the dining room table in my house, just as you often were in your house. I imagined being able to come up behind you and kiss you on top of the head, to show you affection. One of our major disconnects was that I never felt like I could show you physical affection, I couldnt express my affection to you in a physical way. I am a very physical person - sometimes too much so for me, even. But I would have liked to have been able to express fat physical love to you in some way, to feel comfortable with myself in that way in my relationship with you.
Well, I was writing to say that I'm working on myself, although as I say it, I'm not sure that it's true. Things are still sliding by and I'm not working very hard one changing them. I keep ignoring time flowing into the future, thinking something's going to happen to save me from myself instead of working on myself to save myself. I guess there's still work to be done.
Take care, Dad.
Love, Michael
Recently, a friend and I have been talking about our emotional problems and now we deal or don't deal with them. She has been going to a therapist recently, and her therapist wrote a book with all of her practical techniques in it, which she gave to me.
The book has been helpful already, in that it got me through some emotional crises I was having (although the cause for those crises hasn't gone away, so I don't know if they'll recur or not). Unfortunately, I haven't followed up on that first step that got me out of crisis mode to help me get out of other stuck modes that don't feel as pressing or immediate.
Yesterday is a good example. I should have left the house yesterday; done something productive with my time. I didn't. I watched TV and then went to sleep on the couch in the afternoon. When I woke up in the dark, I just made myself go back to sleep rather than getting up. In all, I slept close to 16 hours.
The problem for me is that practical advice in my head is tied to your voice, which is an unfriendly voice for me. Because I never felt supported by you, I have a hard time doing things that are good for me if I associate them with you. I associate you with criticism of me. I always thought of us as oppositional and so whatever I did was wrong in your world.
I need to find a way to either tap into a supportive idea of you or find some other way to hear practical advice in my own head.
In terms if tapping into a supportive idea of you, in a conversation I was having with someone recently about you, I realized that most of my idea and experience of you was a projection. I never felt supported by you, but I never really asked for your advice. I never sought your counsel because I couldn't imagine I could live up to it. I thought I was destined to fail from the outset. That way of thinking inhibits my actions now and inhibited my ability to reach out to you. Thinking of myself as a failed adult or an incomplete adult made it impossible to imagine succeeding at any kind of "adult" task or responsibility. I don't know where I am on that thinking.
One of the things that I used in the book was to have a conversation with a person as if they were sitting in front of you. I pictured you in a chair at the end of the dining room table in my house, just as you often were in your house. I imagined being able to come up behind you and kiss you on top of the head, to show you affection. One of our major disconnects was that I never felt like I could show you physical affection, I couldnt express my affection to you in a physical way. I am a very physical person - sometimes too much so for me, even. But I would have liked to have been able to express fat physical love to you in some way, to feel comfortable with myself in that way in my relationship with you.
Well, I was writing to say that I'm working on myself, although as I say it, I'm not sure that it's true. Things are still sliding by and I'm not working very hard one changing them. I keep ignoring time flowing into the future, thinking something's going to happen to save me from myself instead of working on myself to save myself. I guess there's still work to be done.
Take care, Dad.
Love, Michael
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Dear Dad: Update
Dear Dad:
I have no idea what I wrote you three and a half months ago. I'm still unemployed. I'm still struggling with myself. I'm getting better in thinking about myself and my activities, but I still haven't changed enough. For instance, I didn't apply to any jobs this week. I can't plead poverty if I'm not working on changing the situation; and it's not like I don't have jobs that I want to get and am looking at. I'm just not doing the practical work of applying for them.
What I'm working on now is not tagging myself as a Bad Person when I do the wrong thing; when I make bad choices. Every day is a chance to change, a chance to work on myself, a chance to do better, to do something constructive.
Unfortunately, the voice I hear most often is yours (or an echo of yours), criticizing me for not being better. I never found support in your voice, or comfort. You were steadfast and I knew I could count on you, but I never had the sense that you thought I was anything more than a, than a..."cotton-headed ninny-muggins," to use a phrase. I was never refined or practical enough to be thought of as smart or straight. I don't know how I was supposed to get that training - you never really provided much in the way of instruction; it was all just general guidelines; and you were never much for encouragement, that I recall; or maybe I just don't remember. I guess all I can remember is the criticism and the fact that I wasn't enough like you.
Let me think about this: what kind of thing do I think would have helped? Well, from where I am now, I would have liked some encouragement or feedback about the kinds of ideas and projects I came up with back then - the video stuff, for instance. I felt like you saw it just as something to chuckle at (maybe it was my mistake showing it to you after dinner, after you'd had a few drinks) but not something serious, not something that could be built upon, developed.
And - as I assess myself then, from now - I don't know that I ever talked about my crazy plans or had any ideas or plots that I could have carried out with your help. I'm not sure when I decided there was a divide between you and me and that we would never understand each other.
I see now that I should have talked to you more. Maybe if I had trusted you to be on my side and be helpful and didn't think of you as solely critical and thinking of me as weak or foolish, I might have be able to work out some things and develop myself better. But I cut myself off from you and didn't ask any adults for help.
I worry about my relationships with kids now, and how I can be a role model or encouraging to them. I create great rapport with kids; I love interacting with them; but am I able to also be a stable influence, something trustworthy or uplifting?
I was thinking about kids I had interactions with in the late 90s and early 2000s; my landlord's granddaughters and the kid that I "tutored." I didn't know how to form a relationship with the landlord's older girl; she wanted love and I didn't know how to respond; she would say "I LOVE YOU!" and I would feel uncomfortable. The younger one was just an infant, so she was easy to deal with, easy to love; there wasn't much work there.
Then I stopped having as much interaction with them and, when I moved out of their grandfather's house, stopped seeing them at all. Now the younger sister is fourteen and I have no relationship with her at all. She's great, and smart and I love everything about her, but I feel like an alien because I don't know how to connect with her and I feel like she isn't interested in knowing me or having a relationship.
The kid that I tutored got it even worse: he was a teenager, with a father that lived in another state. I started out tutoring him and his brother, but his brother did something and ended up in juvie. I continued to tutor him (although I didn't know what I was doing and didn't know if he was learning) and then when the school year ended I continued to visit him because I just felt like it was right. But I don't know if I did him any good; I spoke of some great plans (meeting with a brain doctor to talk about the brain), but I never followed through - and then I just disappeared. The car that I had got stolen and wrecked and I no longer had transportation. I couldn't go out to his house and I never called and told them what happened, never followed up. I went from visiting once or twice a month to nothing. What a dick.
I don't know how to be constant in people's lives. I don't know how to deal with adults or kids over the age of 11. I don't have any skills in the world, it feels like, and I don't know how to communicate myself in a way that is interesting or cool. Plus, I am inconsistent; my life has no through line (except my own unhappiness) and I drop in and out of people's lives on a whim (I just sent an email through LinkedIn last night to someone I lived with back in 1998). I don't know how to maintain relationships and don't think anyone wants to talk to me on a regular basis. I'm all fucked up.
Okay, enough negative talk. I'm going to end this here because it hasn't helped me at all. I've ended up in a dark corner and nothing productive is happening here. I've got to go back to my life and try to make something good happen today. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I can only try.
Take care, Dad (I don't have the energy for love today),
Michael
I have no idea what I wrote you three and a half months ago. I'm still unemployed. I'm still struggling with myself. I'm getting better in thinking about myself and my activities, but I still haven't changed enough. For instance, I didn't apply to any jobs this week. I can't plead poverty if I'm not working on changing the situation; and it's not like I don't have jobs that I want to get and am looking at. I'm just not doing the practical work of applying for them.
What I'm working on now is not tagging myself as a Bad Person when I do the wrong thing; when I make bad choices. Every day is a chance to change, a chance to work on myself, a chance to do better, to do something constructive.
Unfortunately, the voice I hear most often is yours (or an echo of yours), criticizing me for not being better. I never found support in your voice, or comfort. You were steadfast and I knew I could count on you, but I never had the sense that you thought I was anything more than a, than a..."cotton-headed ninny-muggins," to use a phrase. I was never refined or practical enough to be thought of as smart or straight. I don't know how I was supposed to get that training - you never really provided much in the way of instruction; it was all just general guidelines; and you were never much for encouragement, that I recall; or maybe I just don't remember. I guess all I can remember is the criticism and the fact that I wasn't enough like you.
Let me think about this: what kind of thing do I think would have helped? Well, from where I am now, I would have liked some encouragement or feedback about the kinds of ideas and projects I came up with back then - the video stuff, for instance. I felt like you saw it just as something to chuckle at (maybe it was my mistake showing it to you after dinner, after you'd had a few drinks) but not something serious, not something that could be built upon, developed.
And - as I assess myself then, from now - I don't know that I ever talked about my crazy plans or had any ideas or plots that I could have carried out with your help. I'm not sure when I decided there was a divide between you and me and that we would never understand each other.
I see now that I should have talked to you more. Maybe if I had trusted you to be on my side and be helpful and didn't think of you as solely critical and thinking of me as weak or foolish, I might have be able to work out some things and develop myself better. But I cut myself off from you and didn't ask any adults for help.
I worry about my relationships with kids now, and how I can be a role model or encouraging to them. I create great rapport with kids; I love interacting with them; but am I able to also be a stable influence, something trustworthy or uplifting?
I was thinking about kids I had interactions with in the late 90s and early 2000s; my landlord's granddaughters and the kid that I "tutored." I didn't know how to form a relationship with the landlord's older girl; she wanted love and I didn't know how to respond; she would say "I LOVE YOU!" and I would feel uncomfortable. The younger one was just an infant, so she was easy to deal with, easy to love; there wasn't much work there.
Then I stopped having as much interaction with them and, when I moved out of their grandfather's house, stopped seeing them at all. Now the younger sister is fourteen and I have no relationship with her at all. She's great, and smart and I love everything about her, but I feel like an alien because I don't know how to connect with her and I feel like she isn't interested in knowing me or having a relationship.
The kid that I tutored got it even worse: he was a teenager, with a father that lived in another state. I started out tutoring him and his brother, but his brother did something and ended up in juvie. I continued to tutor him (although I didn't know what I was doing and didn't know if he was learning) and then when the school year ended I continued to visit him because I just felt like it was right. But I don't know if I did him any good; I spoke of some great plans (meeting with a brain doctor to talk about the brain), but I never followed through - and then I just disappeared. The car that I had got stolen and wrecked and I no longer had transportation. I couldn't go out to his house and I never called and told them what happened, never followed up. I went from visiting once or twice a month to nothing. What a dick.
I don't know how to be constant in people's lives. I don't know how to deal with adults or kids over the age of 11. I don't have any skills in the world, it feels like, and I don't know how to communicate myself in a way that is interesting or cool. Plus, I am inconsistent; my life has no through line (except my own unhappiness) and I drop in and out of people's lives on a whim (I just sent an email through LinkedIn last night to someone I lived with back in 1998). I don't know how to maintain relationships and don't think anyone wants to talk to me on a regular basis. I'm all fucked up.
Okay, enough negative talk. I'm going to end this here because it hasn't helped me at all. I've ended up in a dark corner and nothing productive is happening here. I've got to go back to my life and try to make something good happen today. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I can only try.
Take care, Dad (I don't have the energy for love today),
Michael
Monday, October 29, 2012
Dear Dad: Turnaround
Dear Dad:
I'm doing one of the things you always hated about me: I'm getting my clock all turned around - sleeping during the day and staying up all night. I actually came across a job that would require me to be up all night, but I don't think I could do it on a regular basis.
The region is hunkered down for a hurricane that's going to come ashore sometime on Tuesday and fuck up the entire northern East Coast. It's given me a bit of freedom in the sense that - with the federal government and Metro shut down - I don't feel as anxious about looking for work. Of course, I shouldn't feel that freedom, since I need to get a job as soon as possible, but that doesn't change my attitude.
Here's a question I was thinking about sending to Chris: How come none of us turned out like you? If you meant to teach us to be like you (in the sense of realist, clear-thinking, moral and brave individuals), how come none of us are? Sister is the closest, and even she has problems with relationships and shuns leadership and isn't really involved in her community (in the sense of civics and the church). Maybe part of that is because she lives in such a big city and we lived in a small town, but I still feel she could do something like that, if she wanted.
True, being a teacher takes a lot more of your time than most jobs and maybe she's just plain exhausted by her work on most days; I don't know. But I feel like she's at least half-disconnected and the rest of us are fully disconnected.
Of course, I'm just projecting from my own situation. Brothers 1 & 2 both have interlaced lives with their neighbors to some degree and Brother 3 has interactions with his neighbors and plenty of people in his town (when he can find time). None of them are involved civicly or religiously (on committees or the like), although Bs 1 & 2 do go to church (the latter more as a function of who he lives with, I would say).
I just wonder what lessons we were supposed to learn and what kind of people you wanted us to be and how, exactly, you meant to pass on those lessons? Was your life the only example? Were we just supposed to learn by watching? Maybe there were plenty of opportunities to show leadership and community spirit back then and I just let them pass by; nowadays I tend to shy away from causes because anything I might stand for could get me attacked, and that's something I learned at home: everyone is a target; everyone is an object of ridicule for any reason. For that reason I don't get involved with anything or anyone because (I expect) someone will make fun of me for it and I can't stand the thought of being humiliated.
Excuses, excuses; "When are you going to grow up?" I ask myself. I keep wanting some other father figure to come into my life to help me construct my life, but no one can really do that. I can refuse all teaching at this point, so no one can teach me; I have to want it for myself. I guess the doctor's advice was kind of like gentle teaching, but I wasn't interested.
Maybe this year I'll actually try to organize my life and my thoughts and do the behaviors I don't want to but which will actually make me feel better in the long run. I don't know. I can't imagine the transition or what it's built around; I feel like there should be some supporting "rock" upon which I build this new life. I don't know what that rock would be or how to discover or identify that rock, if it already exists.
If you have any ideas, send them to me in a dream; I could use the help.
Love,
Michael
I'm doing one of the things you always hated about me: I'm getting my clock all turned around - sleeping during the day and staying up all night. I actually came across a job that would require me to be up all night, but I don't think I could do it on a regular basis.
The region is hunkered down for a hurricane that's going to come ashore sometime on Tuesday and fuck up the entire northern East Coast. It's given me a bit of freedom in the sense that - with the federal government and Metro shut down - I don't feel as anxious about looking for work. Of course, I shouldn't feel that freedom, since I need to get a job as soon as possible, but that doesn't change my attitude.
Here's a question I was thinking about sending to Chris: How come none of us turned out like you? If you meant to teach us to be like you (in the sense of realist, clear-thinking, moral and brave individuals), how come none of us are? Sister is the closest, and even she has problems with relationships and shuns leadership and isn't really involved in her community (in the sense of civics and the church). Maybe part of that is because she lives in such a big city and we lived in a small town, but I still feel she could do something like that, if she wanted.
True, being a teacher takes a lot more of your time than most jobs and maybe she's just plain exhausted by her work on most days; I don't know. But I feel like she's at least half-disconnected and the rest of us are fully disconnected.
Of course, I'm just projecting from my own situation. Brothers 1 & 2 both have interlaced lives with their neighbors to some degree and Brother 3 has interactions with his neighbors and plenty of people in his town (when he can find time). None of them are involved civicly or religiously (on committees or the like), although Bs 1 & 2 do go to church (the latter more as a function of who he lives with, I would say).
I just wonder what lessons we were supposed to learn and what kind of people you wanted us to be and how, exactly, you meant to pass on those lessons? Was your life the only example? Were we just supposed to learn by watching? Maybe there were plenty of opportunities to show leadership and community spirit back then and I just let them pass by; nowadays I tend to shy away from causes because anything I might stand for could get me attacked, and that's something I learned at home: everyone is a target; everyone is an object of ridicule for any reason. For that reason I don't get involved with anything or anyone because (I expect) someone will make fun of me for it and I can't stand the thought of being humiliated.
Excuses, excuses; "When are you going to grow up?" I ask myself. I keep wanting some other father figure to come into my life to help me construct my life, but no one can really do that. I can refuse all teaching at this point, so no one can teach me; I have to want it for myself. I guess the doctor's advice was kind of like gentle teaching, but I wasn't interested.
Maybe this year I'll actually try to organize my life and my thoughts and do the behaviors I don't want to but which will actually make me feel better in the long run. I don't know. I can't imagine the transition or what it's built around; I feel like there should be some supporting "rock" upon which I build this new life. I don't know what that rock would be or how to discover or identify that rock, if it already exists.
If you have any ideas, send them to me in a dream; I could use the help.
Love,
Michael
Friday, October 12, 2012
Schedule
Dear Dad,
I'm doing something you consider terrible, which is getting my schedule all backwards. I stayed up all night last night, even though I knew I shouldn't have, and then I only slept for 4 hours (if that) before somebody called and woke me up. I tried to go back to sleep on the couch but I couldn't; I finally got up and took a shower and tried to be productive.
Of course I wasn't very productive, seeing as how my only job these days is to apply for jobs and I didn't do that. I must have ten tabs open with job descriptions and such, some of them almost a week old now, and I haven't applied to any of them.
It all feels so futile, y'know? I feel like, for someone to hire me, they're going to have to meet me. I don't look good on paper. You can only get a sense of me by talking to me.
I'd like to write cover letters that are unique to me but I was dissuaded from doing that. That person said I'd be more apt to torpedo my chances than to help myself. I don't know. I feel like if I have one strength it's to be quirky and my writing is one place it can get through. I don't know. I just wish I could get a job.
Of course, lots of people are struggling at the moment. I don't know what they all did before but I figure some of the were skilled or had professional jobs, unlike me. I was thinking tonight I'd like to play matchmaker with people and jobs all over the country because there can't be that big a gap between what is needed and what is available. I wonder sometimes if it's not automation of the human resources position that has caused this. I was thinking earlier this year that maybe companies need to start hiring temp agencies to find some employees because they'll have a more human connect and someone who's looking to really do the job right (the agency) so that they get more work.
I've applied to a few temp agencies, but no one calls back. That's probably because I have no real skills and I'm old now. When you're as old as I am, you're supposed to have some kind of experience in something - responsibility for big projects or for a couple of people. I have none of that. My employment was a breeze, pretty much; the only person it was a problem for was me. I couldn't handle it because I didn't feel connected to it or that I was doing it as well as my predecessor.
Lately my excuse has been that I was never really challenged. With writing, for instance: everyone always thought I was great, but I never got any kind of real criticism or understood how to get better at it (and, let's be honest, I never tried). Although to be fair, the two times I did take writing classes (when I was in 8th grade at a gifted summer camp and again in college), I struggled to meet the standards. In the first case, I didn't understand what I was trying to do; I didn't understand the definition. It was a class on essay writing. A few years later, having read hundreds of columns in the paper - along with other essays - I could churn them out by turning on a channel in my head that said "column."
The second essay class was harder. I still didn't know what I was doing and often I couldn't finish something because it seemed to need to have a point and I never knew what the point was. I didn't have any wisdom to pass on, any bon mots to give out. I couldn't figure out how to close anything because nothing was ever closed in my mind (or life). I was just drifting through it all, not knowing what I was doing. No one ever told me the point and so I didn't "get it."
Sorry, dad, I forgot you were there. Started talking to myself.
In any case, I started feeling tired when I was over at J's house and she was rocking her baby to sleep; I almost passed out in the other chair. So I came home and went to sleep on the couch. I don't know exactly when that was: 5 or 6, but I only woke up when my phone rang and I decided not to answer it. I think I thought I would wake up at 8 or 9 and call people back.
Turns out I didn't wake up until ten of 1 in the morning. The first thing I heard after waking up was my roommate coming down to go out for a smoke. After he went back upstairs, I reflected that it sounded quiet and my other roommate seemed to have gone to bed, but I figured he went to bed at about 9, so that didn't mean it was so late. Turns out I was wrong; it was plenty late.
So now the question is what do I do? Do I stay up and go to bed again at 5am or something? Or do I try to lay back down and fall asleep, hoping to wake up at 8 or 9? I might be able to do it, but then again, I got 6 or 7 hours of sleep; I'm doing pretty good. On the other hand, I have a slight cold (I think that's part of what crashed me out earlier).
Well, I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll dick around on the computer for a while and then lay down again. I probably won't apply for anything until day time; I just don't feel confident or motivated now (not that I ever do). I need to change my profile on that professional website; it's probably turning people off that my little self-description is frivolous. I should change the photo, too. I don't like the one that's on there; I look fat (and my smile is goofy).
Well, Dad, I'm going to go. I hope you're doing well. I have no idea where you are or what you think, but that was often true when you were alive.
All the best.
Love,
Michael
I'm doing something you consider terrible, which is getting my schedule all backwards. I stayed up all night last night, even though I knew I shouldn't have, and then I only slept for 4 hours (if that) before somebody called and woke me up. I tried to go back to sleep on the couch but I couldn't; I finally got up and took a shower and tried to be productive.
Of course I wasn't very productive, seeing as how my only job these days is to apply for jobs and I didn't do that. I must have ten tabs open with job descriptions and such, some of them almost a week old now, and I haven't applied to any of them.
It all feels so futile, y'know? I feel like, for someone to hire me, they're going to have to meet me. I don't look good on paper. You can only get a sense of me by talking to me.
I'd like to write cover letters that are unique to me but I was dissuaded from doing that. That person said I'd be more apt to torpedo my chances than to help myself. I don't know. I feel like if I have one strength it's to be quirky and my writing is one place it can get through. I don't know. I just wish I could get a job.
Of course, lots of people are struggling at the moment. I don't know what they all did before but I figure some of the were skilled or had professional jobs, unlike me. I was thinking tonight I'd like to play matchmaker with people and jobs all over the country because there can't be that big a gap between what is needed and what is available. I wonder sometimes if it's not automation of the human resources position that has caused this. I was thinking earlier this year that maybe companies need to start hiring temp agencies to find some employees because they'll have a more human connect and someone who's looking to really do the job right (the agency) so that they get more work.
I've applied to a few temp agencies, but no one calls back. That's probably because I have no real skills and I'm old now. When you're as old as I am, you're supposed to have some kind of experience in something - responsibility for big projects or for a couple of people. I have none of that. My employment was a breeze, pretty much; the only person it was a problem for was me. I couldn't handle it because I didn't feel connected to it or that I was doing it as well as my predecessor.
Lately my excuse has been that I was never really challenged. With writing, for instance: everyone always thought I was great, but I never got any kind of real criticism or understood how to get better at it (and, let's be honest, I never tried). Although to be fair, the two times I did take writing classes (when I was in 8th grade at a gifted summer camp and again in college), I struggled to meet the standards. In the first case, I didn't understand what I was trying to do; I didn't understand the definition. It was a class on essay writing. A few years later, having read hundreds of columns in the paper - along with other essays - I could churn them out by turning on a channel in my head that said "column."
The second essay class was harder. I still didn't know what I was doing and often I couldn't finish something because it seemed to need to have a point and I never knew what the point was. I didn't have any wisdom to pass on, any bon mots to give out. I couldn't figure out how to close anything because nothing was ever closed in my mind (or life). I was just drifting through it all, not knowing what I was doing. No one ever told me the point and so I didn't "get it."
Sorry, dad, I forgot you were there. Started talking to myself.
In any case, I started feeling tired when I was over at J's house and she was rocking her baby to sleep; I almost passed out in the other chair. So I came home and went to sleep on the couch. I don't know exactly when that was: 5 or 6, but I only woke up when my phone rang and I decided not to answer it. I think I thought I would wake up at 8 or 9 and call people back.
Turns out I didn't wake up until ten of 1 in the morning. The first thing I heard after waking up was my roommate coming down to go out for a smoke. After he went back upstairs, I reflected that it sounded quiet and my other roommate seemed to have gone to bed, but I figured he went to bed at about 9, so that didn't mean it was so late. Turns out I was wrong; it was plenty late.
So now the question is what do I do? Do I stay up and go to bed again at 5am or something? Or do I try to lay back down and fall asleep, hoping to wake up at 8 or 9? I might be able to do it, but then again, I got 6 or 7 hours of sleep; I'm doing pretty good. On the other hand, I have a slight cold (I think that's part of what crashed me out earlier).
Well, I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll dick around on the computer for a while and then lay down again. I probably won't apply for anything until day time; I just don't feel confident or motivated now (not that I ever do). I need to change my profile on that professional website; it's probably turning people off that my little self-description is frivolous. I should change the photo, too. I don't like the one that's on there; I look fat (and my smile is goofy).
Well, Dad, I'm going to go. I hope you're doing well. I have no idea where you are or what you think, but that was often true when you were alive.
All the best.
Love,
Michael
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Notes From Today
To Buy for My Brother's House
band-aids
newspaper
Jobs at Home for My Brother
gutters
railings
People to Write To
Uncle Pete
Ang
Tasks for Me
pay credit card
write Bloomberg idea
apply for job at hospital
look up brother's car stereo and how to set radio pre-sets
band-aids
newspaper
Jobs at Home for My Brother
gutters
railings
People to Write To
Uncle Pete
Ang
Tasks for Me
pay credit card
write Bloomberg idea
apply for job at hospital
look up brother's car stereo and how to set radio pre-sets
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Money Goals When I Am Employed
- Pay back my brother (if I haven't already)
- Donate to Planned Parenthood
- Give to local homeless shelter
- Renew commitment to public radio
- Renew giving to Red Cross
- send money to my sister-in-law
- buy a Y membership for brother's family
Of course, another important thing that I should do when I have work again is save my money and invest in some kind of retirement. I should build up the reserve fund that financial people recommend that you do.
Paris: musicians; Motley Crue on Biography
DCL
chant?
Pam
hamburgers (curry)
eggs
potatoes
q-tips
weights
children's jobs
conv ctr (jobs)
Enrique: Senegal?
DCL
chant?
Pam
hamburgers (curry)
eggs
potatoes
q-tips
weights
children's jobs
conv ctr (jobs)
Enrique: Senegal?
